It's nice to know I'm not the only one who eats worse than a 4 year old. I'm 19 now and at university, and I still eat worse than a baby. I eat more than 5 things but my mum always jokes that my diet resembles the colour yellow/brown: chips, crackers, chicken etc. I could literally tell you an average days food consumption: Coco pops and Ribena for breakfast; a plain ham (procest) sandwich with no butter, a strawberry or raspberry yogurt with no 'bits' in it, and again Ribena or squash for lunch; and chicken and chips with salt, and Ribena or, lemon or orange squash for dinner - Oh and a pile of salt! I also eat a lot of plain tuc biscuits (salty crackers) and then add salt to them.

I do eat some other things but that's the base of it all. When I was a baby I had acid reflux and my tonsils were too big, so I threw up about 10 to 14 times a day until I was two when I had my tonsils taken out. I don't remember this but it's probably the root of my problem.

The annoying thing with my diet, is that it's out of fear. I know its irrational and I have no exact reason for it. When I see a new food it's like my brain just says 'nope'. I think my brain overanalyse the food a bit. When I see a new food I'm usually like; that looks, smells, and feels weird, and that's before I've even tried to try it. With some CBT I made a little progress; I know love real chicken 'a.k.a' not procest; roast potatoes; I can sometimes eat a small portion of cabbage if I eat it with chicken or roast potatoes covered in salt; I tried one meat ball on it's own; I tried a bit of a strawberry but hated the texture; a bit of lettuce in between chicken, which I think I could try again in bread or chicken; I tried one pea which I spat out... Yeah when I say I've tried something it usually means I took a microscopic piece and put on my tongue or in my mouth for a few seconds.

It annoys me so much when people say 'why don't try it?' - If it were that easy for me I would have done that already. I guess I can understand, it's a hard thing to understand, I mean I don't really understand. I wish I could eat 'normally' or least healthily, but I don't know how 🙁

If I don't change I won't be able to do so much. I won't let my self have kids, as I know that my diet could lead them to be born with health problems, and that even if they weren't they would my role model my eating behaviour and I couldn't put them through that. I can't really go on dates cause, it would be a bit embarrassing to go to a restaurant and be like 'I'll have the chicken nuggets and chips please. Hold the peas and beans. It's gonna cause me some serious health problems, like diabetes or a heart attack.

To be honest though I think I'm afraid of most things. It doesn't really matter if I couldn't go on dates, even if I ate like and adult, cause I wouldn't even know if I liked someone. Plus apart from once when I was 7 which I don't remember, I've never even kissed anyone. I dated someone for 5 days once when I was 13/14, we held hands one time cause everyone wanted us to. We spoke less in those 5 days than we did normally, and I didn't see or talk to him for two of those days cause it was the weekend. I'm afraid to do anything, let alone anything more serious if you know what I mean. (*sigh*) I'm hopeless... I could go on and on about the things I haven't done. It's quite depressing to struggle to find a reason for wanting to live - if you've read this, I'm sorry for 1. going on for ages and 2. putting a downer on your day, unless your a psychopath and get happiness off others pain, in which case "your welcome".

P.S. If you have any advice I'd love to hear it! Hope you don't get hit by a bus 😀